Question by : At a loss for what to do?
Ok so first off the thing I hate most about this is that I cant stop feeling it and I feel like I am selfish because alot of people have it worse then me but I still feel pretty bad.
When I was a little kid I was pretty normal but at the age 8/9 my parents kind of stopped paying attention to me. Like they still provided and were nice to me but I ended up spending my all my time in my room and on the computer for more then 12 hours a day playing stupid games.
When I was 12 I hit puberty and after lots of denial I found out I was gay and I hated myself even more (raised christian) and even though I came to terms with it I still kind of don’t want to be gay.
At the beginning of grade 9, I made friends for the first time and started smoking cannabis but I eventually wanted more highs and wound up an IV heroin addict at age 14. I had to do lots of bad things for money every day too.
I am 15 now, I have been clean for exactly 3 months (I know this because my contract with police just ended from 3 month duration). I am on methadone. I left all my friends who I did hard drugs with and occasionally hung out with friends who only smoked cannabis but now I dont even see them anymore.
If I do see people they get really awkward because I cant think of anything to say and I am completely silent. My mom thinks I am mad at her for something because whenever I am with her/drive somewhere I am completely silent. I am not actually mad but I just don’t know anything to say besides answering yes or no to her questions. People in my grade at high school say that I used to be normal but I changed and whenever I talk I sound like a robot whose voice is on repeat which is kind of true. I am unable to socialize with anyone. The closest person I can socialize with is my sister but eventually I run out of things. I used to beable to talk normally and seem normal but I lost the ability.
My whole life I’ve felt like I was in an inferior position I always let people walk over me and for as long as I have remembered I have hated my personality and the way I look. I think this is because people in my christian elementary school always called me faggot, ugly, fat. I wasnt even abit overweight but I believed them and stopped eatting. I still only eat dinner and dont really eat breakfast/lunch, though its not really a weight thing I just have no desire.
I am always tried all day and I am really depressed. My life consists on watching TV and playing video games in my dark basement. Sometimes I feel like theres shadow people watching me and I can feel people in certain places around me and sometimes they touch me but its different then how normal people touch me.
I feel like my life is stuck in repeat and it is so dull and I went from being a 90% student to a 60% student and I became stupid and I really hate that. I used to never sleep (up until 5:00am every night) but now I go to bed at 7:00am every night and sleep in until 10:00 on weekends and 7:30 on weekdays.
People look at me like I am weird in my school and it makes me feel kinda shitty even though I know I shouldn’t really care. I feel so bad all the time, I feel worthless and a waste of space and I can’t stop feeling this. I cant really remember the last time I was genuinely happy. The last time I was happy was when I did ecstasy or heroin or I felt a non-forced happiness when I knew I could get drugs but that was just because I was getting drugs.
I hate sounding all self pity and “poor me” like but I cant stop feeling it. I really want to just go away or die but I am too scared to cut my veins and I cant get enough money to OD on drugs. What really stops me is that my sister will feel very bad and my mom too.
Even now I am so confused and upset and angry because I don’t know what to do because nothing satisfy me. I feel really depressed but I am also dieing of boredom, nothing brings me excitement or happiness.
Edit: Should I go on anti-depressants? I really dont want to be around any substances after my addiction and even if it is fake will it atleast make me feel happy? I read it makes some people like a zombie, if this happened too me would I be at least like tranquil? Like would I not feel so dull and depressed?
I got into spirtually for a little (all the chakra and aura stuff), I felt abit happier because I thought that everything was bigger then myself. My logic is telling me otherwise and now I just feel how I did before.
Best answer:
Answer by Stephie
First of all, UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES IS KILLING YOURSELF THE RIGHT ANSWER!
If you feel like you want to hurt yourself, it is VITAL that you tell an official at your school, or your parents!! I’ve been in very similar situations, (a school counselor caught me cutting myself,) and I was SO MUCH HAPPIER when an adult stepped in and helped me! It is not okay to want to hurt yourself, and if you get help you will be happy you did later on! I promise.
I’m gay too, by the way. I know it can be hard, especially if there are religious conflicts. I went through a hard time because of it, myself! The most important thing to do is to accept yourself. It truly is one of the best things you can do for yourself. Just realize that if anyone else doesn’t like you for your sexual orientation, they’re idiots! You don’t need the support of anyone who isn’t okay with who you love!!!
Thirdly, drugs are never the answer. I know you may feel like you need quick relief from the pain you’re going through, but it won’t last if you get that relief through drugs. Drugs WILL MAKE YOU FEEL WORSE IN THE LONG TERM!!
You know what I think you should do?
First, look in a mirror and tell yourself that you love yourself for who you are, and that you won’t do anymore drugs, because it will just hurt you. (I know that sounds really stupid, but I mean it! Do it!)
Second, go to the park, sit on a bench, and listen to a whole Simon and Garfunkel album. It doesn’t have to be an album by them, actually. It just has to be something calming and soothing. Nothing loud or fast. Relax.
Third, and this is the most difficult, find an adult, (if you don’t feel safe bringing this up with your parents, bring it up with a trusted official at school,) and tell them that you need help. See a therapist. it will really help you, I promise. This is the most important step of all.
The last thing I want to say is that if you EVER feel like you want to put your suicidal thoughts into action, CALL THE POLICE. REALLY.
Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. It is NEVER the right thing to do.
I promise you, life gets so much better. It did for me.
Go watch some “it gets better” videos on youtube. Because it REALLY does get better.
Edit:
Antidepressants helped me a ton! You don’t need to stay on them for forever! You can take them for a month or two, until you feel stable again, and then get off of them; OR you can keep on taking them! You’ll never know if they would have helped unless you try!!
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